Let's Talk About Love, Part 1

I have been working on ideas about love for about a month now, trying to figure out what to say about it, how to frame it, what matters, and how I feel about it. I have something like ten or twelve pages of notes about it, and last week I set it aside to let it simmer a little before I came back to it. Then at church on Sunday, our guest speaker got up and talked about love - in the same way I had been considering it. I figured that meant it was time to get brave and talk about it, so here we are.

I had made a list and called it "To Be And Not To Be". It's a two-column list of words. In the first column are words that are attractive to me - words that I wish to embody. The second column contains words that I would like to remove from my self-reflective vocabulary.
To Be: calm, peaceful, loving, steady, honest, reliable, clean
Not To Be: negative, condescending, stressed, flaky

Why do the "To Be" words speak to me? What am I attracted to them? What overarching quality do these attributes spring from? What's the root?

Love. Everything that I want to be, every trait that I may try to collect in myself comes out of love. Love is the root of all good things. But not the kind of love we're used to talking about. There's all kinds of literature out there on love - from Harlequin romance novels to the five love languages, from Jane Austen to the Bible, just about everybody has something to say on it. I decided to start with the dictionary, as usual.

Dictionary.com
Love (n): a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person.

Merriam-Webster
Love (n): a feeling of strong, constant affection for a person; unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. Origins: Middle English, from Old English lufu love, akin to Old High German luba love, Old English leof dear, Latin lubere, libere, to please

I considered these definitions for awhile with a sense of dissatisfaction. Why is this not enough for me? Why am I not convinced? "Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another" felt close to what I was trying to capture, but not quite. Because for me, love is a way of life. It's a moral, ethical code, a relational foundation. In an attempt to go deeper, I went way back to the Greek words for love:

• Philia: a sort of mental love - affectionate friendship. It implies a reciprocal, loyal relationship. It can be felt between family members, friends, and lovers. Aristotle spoke of this as the purest and best form of love.
• Éros: passionate physical love, often equated with lust. It can begin as love for a person, but can end up as love for the beauty of that person, or even for beauty itself. Plato had a lot to say about this form of love, and if you have time, I recommend you read it.
• Storge: denotes a sort of dutiful love between family members or for one's leader.
• Agápe: a sacrificial, unconditional love, given freely whether or not it is returned. Used often to refer to parents' love for their children, or feelings for a spouse. Also used to describe the feeling of being content, or holding in esteem. In the Christian tradition, agápe is used to describe the love of God for his children. Related words: charity, regard. This kind of love is freely chosen, freely given.

I tend to agree, for the most part, with Aristotle. Philia is a good and true love. The love I have for my best friend transcends miles, transcends time. I love her intellect, her heart, and her passion. I love her for all that she is, and for all that I know she can be - good and bad, and I know she feels the same way about me. The same goes for my family; I love and feel loved by my family and I know I can rely on that love. It's a very solid, reliable love and I am grateful for it every day. (I question whether these examples qualify for philia; in a Venn diagram between philia and agápe, these examples would probably fall into the middle)

Éros is probably the form of love we are most familiar with in our culture. We are a culture that appreciates beauty, for better or worse. There are thousands of pages written on éros, so I don't feel especially compelled to delve into it here.

Agápe love, though - let's talk about agápe. I had a tape I used to listen to when I was a kid that had a song about it, and I heard the word here and there in various settings, but I never stopped to really consider it, analyze it, until now. Let's look at it again: sacrificial, unconditional, freely given, holding in high esteem. This is a transforming love. Not transactional, not intellectual. This love is, as our guest speaker on Sunday, "a new way of being human, a new way of being alive." This love is the life that is real life. To love is to be very vulnerable, and it is to be very valuable. To love unconditionally is to be transformed, changed.

Love as a way of life is a radical, revolutionary concept.
"I love my children." "I love my husband." "I love my friends." - this isn't new.
"I love." - this is.

(PS - As for "storge" love, we have to remember, the key is - this is still love. Albert Einstein said, "Love is a better teacher than duty" - rather than acting out of duty, act out of love. It yields better results, in the truest sense - but notice I didn't say easier results. And I'm not talking love of country, I'm talking about love that extends even to those who oppress you, and still allows you to reject the oppression. Love can find that balance.)

Let me tie this back. How does love = simplicity? 

Out of love flows peace, contentment, steadfastness, wisdom, humility, quietness, creativity. 

Out of love flows the components of a simple life. 

So this is me scratching the surface of the kind of life I want to live. My next post will go deeper into the radically transformative elements of love.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love.
Mother Teresa

Walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:1-2

Quietness

So I've been receiving emails from my school with friendly reminders like this: "Hey, don't want to bother you, just wanted to remind you that classes start the 26th. That's cool, right?" And I think, "Hey, school, thanks for being so cool and reminding me about that!" And then I'd sigh a big sigh of relief because the 26th is a Thursday, and I don't have class on Thursdays or Fridays, and then the next Monday and Tuesday are the Labor Day 4-day weekend, so I don't even really start school until the 4th! Awesome.

REALITY CHECK. Turns out the 26th is a Monday. I have class Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. And to top it off, I copied down someone else's work schedule so I had to go back and re-plan my entire week! So while nothing really changed, I am still trying to orient myself around this "new" schedule. But then on Thursday we leave for vacation, so while my poor inner calendar is all a-tizzy, I can't really be that upset about it. But more about vacation later!

In other news, I got my textbooks. Effie, who loves boxes, was thrilled.

Honesty! This last week I've been working on ground floor living. It's been mildly successful, but I am earnestly looking for a better way to remind myself throughout the day than to say to myself, "Oh, that wasn't completely straightforward. I'll have to do better next time." So if anybody has any good suggestions on subtle but effective self-reminders, I'll take them. 

This week I've also been pondering quietness. We all know the sayings and proverbs: "Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise..." (Prov. 17:28), etc. But those are more about keeping your mouth shut than finding a peaceful inner quietness. I've been struggling with focusing my thoughts and keeping my mind quiet - most of the time it's like a rave up there with things bouncing off the walls and making lots of noise. So on this path to simplicity, I'm finding it very important to learn to be quiet. 

The goal is to have this happening in my head, all day.

Why is this becoming so important to me now? Well, I'm entering a season of what feels like mounting chaos. Good chaos, mind you, but chaos nonetheless. Classes are starting (on Monday, not Thursday), I've got a great new job at an elementary school, a possible theatre opportunity, plus keeping up hours at the shop and making time for my marriage and my family, not to mention my health - it's starting to wear on me, and I haven't even started! So for the next couple of days, before the madness begins and I'm scrambling to attain some semblance of peace, I am focusing on quietness. 

Here's what our trusty friend Merriam-Webster has to say about quiet and peace:

Quiet: (n) the quality or state of being quiet; tranquility

            (adj) marked by little or no motion or activity; gentle, easygoing; not interfered with; enjoyed in peace and relaxation; secluded

            (v) to make secure by freeing from dispute or question - technically a legal definition, but I found it meaningful and relevant.

Peace: (n) a state of tranquility or quiet; freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions; harmony in personal relations

             (obsolete intransitive verb) to be, become, or keep silent or quiet (14th century)

(Emphasis mine)

As I get older, I find myself not just wanting, but needing quiet times and spaces. I can feel the cogs jamming up if the noise level is too high for too long, or if there's too much going on - my mind and body need a space to find quiet. Daily. So what does this mean for this upcoming season? Intention. I have to be purposeful about finding quiet - not an easy task where we are currently living, but if it means getting up early or getting out of the house, so be it.

How I find quiet:

• Yoga and meditation. This is a huge one for me. My favorite yoga studio is kind of a haul since we've moved and I can't find a spot in the house in which I feel comfortable getting my yoga on, so this is a challenge. I did manage to make it to a class this week and am signed up for one next week, so I'm working on this.
• Reading. Again, a challenge when every minute I spend reading for myself is a minute I probably should have spent reading a textbook, but I'll address it anyway.
• Having a cup of coffee outside in the morning. This is simply a matter of setting my alarm a little earlier and training myself to not hit snooze six times. Being outside is crucial to this - connecting myself to the earth is 
• Removing myself from electronics. I. Am. Addicted. To. Pinterest. Specifically the Geek section. This one is NOT a challenge, it's as easy as powering down. Okay, maybe it is a challenge.

Seriously. Every day.

Quietness is a challenge. It's a project. I'm not the first to undertake it; Hindus, Buddhists, Quakers, and so many others  have dedicated components of their spirituality to silence and inner quietness. It's a worthy and sometimes difficult goal, especially in our constantly moving, talking, jabbering world.

So for the next few days before the trip, I resolve to dedicate my mornings to practicing quietness in a way that will carry over throughout the day. I resolve to focus on thinking more intentionally and speaking less. And when we head to Aspen for our vacation next week, I resolve to power down completely - no phone, no iPad, no internet, no Facebook, no Pinterest - for the five days we're gone. I resolve to thoroughly experience and enjoy the quiet we will be given for those days. 

I plan to post once more before the trip, so until then, here's a picture of my cat refusing to drink out of her own dish:

Because why drink out of your fancy expensive water dish when you could drink out of Mom's cup?

"Ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent."

Psalm 4:4

"Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit."

1 Peter 3:3-4

"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

- Gautama Buddha

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances."

- Mahatma Gandhi

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness."

- Mahatma Gandhi

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls."

- Mother Teresa