Let's Talk About Love, Part 1

I have been working on ideas about love for about a month now, trying to figure out what to say about it, how to frame it, what matters, and how I feel about it. I have something like ten or twelve pages of notes about it, and last week I set it aside to let it simmer a little before I came back to it. Then at church on Sunday, our guest speaker got up and talked about love - in the same way I had been considering it. I figured that meant it was time to get brave and talk about it, so here we are.

I had made a list and called it "To Be And Not To Be". It's a two-column list of words. In the first column are words that are attractive to me - words that I wish to embody. The second column contains words that I would like to remove from my self-reflective vocabulary.
To Be: calm, peaceful, loving, steady, honest, reliable, clean
Not To Be: negative, condescending, stressed, flaky

Why do the "To Be" words speak to me? What am I attracted to them? What overarching quality do these attributes spring from? What's the root?

Love. Everything that I want to be, every trait that I may try to collect in myself comes out of love. Love is the root of all good things. But not the kind of love we're used to talking about. There's all kinds of literature out there on love - from Harlequin romance novels to the five love languages, from Jane Austen to the Bible, just about everybody has something to say on it. I decided to start with the dictionary, as usual.

Dictionary.com
Love (n): a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person.

Merriam-Webster
Love (n): a feeling of strong, constant affection for a person; unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. Origins: Middle English, from Old English lufu love, akin to Old High German luba love, Old English leof dear, Latin lubere, libere, to please

I considered these definitions for awhile with a sense of dissatisfaction. Why is this not enough for me? Why am I not convinced? "Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another" felt close to what I was trying to capture, but not quite. Because for me, love is a way of life. It's a moral, ethical code, a relational foundation. In an attempt to go deeper, I went way back to the Greek words for love:

• Philia: a sort of mental love - affectionate friendship. It implies a reciprocal, loyal relationship. It can be felt between family members, friends, and lovers. Aristotle spoke of this as the purest and best form of love.
• Éros: passionate physical love, often equated with lust. It can begin as love for a person, but can end up as love for the beauty of that person, or even for beauty itself. Plato had a lot to say about this form of love, and if you have time, I recommend you read it.
• Storge: denotes a sort of dutiful love between family members or for one's leader.
• Agápe: a sacrificial, unconditional love, given freely whether or not it is returned. Used often to refer to parents' love for their children, or feelings for a spouse. Also used to describe the feeling of being content, or holding in esteem. In the Christian tradition, agápe is used to describe the love of God for his children. Related words: charity, regard. This kind of love is freely chosen, freely given.

I tend to agree, for the most part, with Aristotle. Philia is a good and true love. The love I have for my best friend transcends miles, transcends time. I love her intellect, her heart, and her passion. I love her for all that she is, and for all that I know she can be - good and bad, and I know she feels the same way about me. The same goes for my family; I love and feel loved by my family and I know I can rely on that love. It's a very solid, reliable love and I am grateful for it every day. (I question whether these examples qualify for philia; in a Venn diagram between philia and agápe, these examples would probably fall into the middle)

Éros is probably the form of love we are most familiar with in our culture. We are a culture that appreciates beauty, for better or worse. There are thousands of pages written on éros, so I don't feel especially compelled to delve into it here.

Agápe love, though - let's talk about agápe. I had a tape I used to listen to when I was a kid that had a song about it, and I heard the word here and there in various settings, but I never stopped to really consider it, analyze it, until now. Let's look at it again: sacrificial, unconditional, freely given, holding in high esteem. This is a transforming love. Not transactional, not intellectual. This love is, as our guest speaker on Sunday, "a new way of being human, a new way of being alive." This love is the life that is real life. To love is to be very vulnerable, and it is to be very valuable. To love unconditionally is to be transformed, changed.

Love as a way of life is a radical, revolutionary concept.
"I love my children." "I love my husband." "I love my friends." - this isn't new.
"I love." - this is.

(PS - As for "storge" love, we have to remember, the key is - this is still love. Albert Einstein said, "Love is a better teacher than duty" - rather than acting out of duty, act out of love. It yields better results, in the truest sense - but notice I didn't say easier results. And I'm not talking love of country, I'm talking about love that extends even to those who oppress you, and still allows you to reject the oppression. Love can find that balance.)

Let me tie this back. How does love = simplicity? 

Out of love flows peace, contentment, steadfastness, wisdom, humility, quietness, creativity. 

Out of love flows the components of a simple life. 

So this is me scratching the surface of the kind of life I want to live. My next post will go deeper into the radically transformative elements of love.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love.
Mother Teresa

Walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:1-2

Joy

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of joy recently. As I began to really consider it, I realized that it was somewhat foreign to me - I knew what it was to feel happy, but I guess I wasn't really aware of the difference between that and joy. I think an understanding and an appreciation of what joy is and what it feels like is important to a life of simplicity. And it's not just finding joy in the simple moments, it's finding joy in the act of simplifying, in simplicity itself. In order to get to that place, I needed to understand what joy is. Naturally, I turned first to my friend the dictionary.

The Professor brought me these today.
Perfect timing!

Joy (n): the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation; a source of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated; festive gaiety; a state of happiness
      (v): to feel glad or rejoice

And a few choice synonyms: bliss, cheer, comfort, treasure, satisfaction

A few things stand out to me in those words. Delight. Value and appreciation. Comfort. Treasure.

I was speaking with a friend a few days ago about what things bring me true happiness. Perhaps that conversation is what sparked this joy-centered contemplation. She asked me what things make me truly happy. I replied "Feeling loved and valued and being surrounded with people I love and value." The fact that the idea of valuation is included in the definition of joy brings me some sense of relief. It means I do actually understand joy in a sensory, emotional way - it's just a matter of bringing it up from my heart to my head, in order to become more conscious of it.

So in the last week or so, I've been making an effort to note the times I feel joy; when I feel cheerful, comforted, treasured, satisfied. I kept my notes and made them into a list, and here it is:

• When Effie decides the most comfortable spot in the house is cuddled up with me
• Hugging my husband and that sense of security
• When my kindergarteners think I'm funny
• A glass of wine in front of the fireplace, with no glaring items on my to-do list
• Looking at a completed to-do list
• Taking time to enjoy folding laundry
• A really good discussion about something I think is important 
• A really good discussion about something that's obviously important to someone else
• Being outside, enveloped in the mountains and the air
• Reading a really good book
• Sitting on the couch next to the Professor while he watches the Broncos
• Doing my homework in the company of a roaring fire, a cup of coffee, and two easygoing pups
• Accomplishing something challenging; this week it's been homework
• Playing a board game with my family

I feel the most joy whenever I'm surrounded by people I love and value, and who love and value me.

I think just being cognitively aware of when I'm feeling joy has made a difference for me. My goal for the next week, more than simple awareness, is to really search for it. 

Happy Friday!

- The Professor's Wife

Psst - The Professor's Wife is now twittering! Tweeting! Twitting! Whichever! Check her out!

Honesty

What a week! I threw the Professor a surprise party for his birthday Thursday (he's 25!). This has been in the works for two months, and he had no clue! I'm a terrible liar and this was my first time planning something of this scope, so I do feel entitled to a little pat on the back. Add to that the excitement of a small car accident and a trip to the doctor, and I'm about ready for a vacation - only two weeks left to wait!

Surprise party night, Broncos scrimmage, Effie napping

So my last post was on humility, and I've been grinding away at it, but let me tell you, it is slow going. There are a lot of layers in my heart that need to be stripped away and dealt with before I can approach it full throttle.

Onions have layers, ogres have layers.

I've been musing on and researching concepts of honesty, religious and cultural views of truth, and honest speech. I'll start with the classic Merriam-Webster definition:

Honesty (n): fairness and straightforwardness of conduct

When I speak about honesty in the context of simplicity, I don't mean merely telling the truth - although of course that's a crucial facet of a simple life. It's difficult for me to come up with the language to really say what I mean here; honesty encompasses truth, integrity, and fairness, but it also implies a certain candidness, a genuineness that I struggle with daily. It is my goal to live truthfully, to live honestly and frankly. But this is one of those things that, for me, is much more easily said than done.

I've been toying around with the phrase "Ground Floor Living". This has nothing to do with architecture; rather, it's about ensuring you are living out the levels of yourself that are closest to your heart and your true being. (Forgive my wordiness and confusing language, I'm still struggling to develop it myself.) When people talk about "walls" they've built up to protect themselves emotionally from others, I picture them in their "heart house" walking upstairs to the next floor - keeping the ground floor, the most vulnerable part, hidden. I see four stories: the ground floor, second floor, top floor, and attic. I drew a picture of it in my notes:

I'm not much of an artist.

Emotional honesty is crucial to a simple life. There is no way around it - if I'm not living on the ground floor emotionally, I'm spending time and energy putting walls up and projecting a different self, which is not worth that time and energy. I should spend it actively bettering the parts of myself that I feel are not up to par, not covering them up with a different persona.

Another component of this, I think, is using simple language. It's easy to cover up unpleasant or even neutral feelings, events or ideas by sugarcoating or embellishing them, rather than stating them simply. It's possible to be simple and straightforward while still being tactful, and it's something relatively easy to change if you've fallen into the sugarcoating habit. There's also the matter of picking your battles and deciding what's worth mentioning. It's a skill I'm trying to hone.

So now for the paradox. I find myself living on the second floor a lot of the time - still willing to open up to certain people, but being careful to keep those walls up where I feel they need to be. The other part of the time, I'm living in a sort of "basement" where I'm totally over-sharing and can't seem to keep quiet when I need to. So I'm hitting around the target, I think, but I haven't quite gotten a bullseye. Maybe I never will, but I will certainly keep trying.

She was trying to help. I think.

- The Professor's Wife

"...the truth will set you free."

- John 8:32

"There is no greater mystery than that we keep seeking reality though, in fact, we are reality."

- Ramana Maharshi

"All you need to say is simply 'yes' or 'no'..."

- Matthew 5:37

"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong."

- Laura Ingalls Wilder

"Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion."

- Franz Kafka

"I am not bound to win, I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have."

- Abraham Lincoln

Humility

Humility (n): the quality or state of being humble
Humble (adj): reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission; not costly or luxurious

(Notice the second part of the definition of humble - not costly or luxurious. Remind you of anything? I'll give you a hint - free from ostentation or display. The very definition of simplicity.)

It has taken me a lot longer than I expected to really wrap my head around this idea - ideal - of humility. After reading the dictionary definition of humble, I sat and considered that one phrase for so long: "reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference of submission". Bear in mind that I am the kind of person who can get lost clicking the linked words in Wikipedia articles (if you ever need an expert on Baby Doe Tabor, I'm your girl) until the wee hours of the morning, so my natural instinct is to look up the definitions of words used in definitions - infinitely. All that to say, I went on to look up deference and submission in order to better grasp humility.

Deference (n) [in deference to]: in consideration of

Submission (n): the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant; an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

Forgive what I'm sure will be my fractured analysis of these words; I've never been very good at puzzles, and these words seem to fit together in a way that I haven't quite locked onto. I'll move from the bottom up.

Submission. The definition circles directly back to humility, but also touches on compliance and deference to authority of "another". I think it's important to figure out who this "another" is when working toward simplicity. For me, I think it's a combination of God via Jesus' example, and my inner self, who at her heart is much more rational and steady than she gives herself credit for. If I can visualize my true self as that calm, patient, consistent being, if I can submit to both the inner peace that I know is there and Jesus' example of a life consistently, patiently, and honestly lived, if I can be compliant with both my own rational side and Jesus' words and example, then I am halfway to humility. The interesting thing about this definition is its use of the word "condition". Submission is not simply an action completed when necessary, it's a state of being, a way of life. 

I understand that it's easy to walk out onto thin ice when talking about submission. There's a difference, I think, between being a doormat (to use the common analogy) and being humbly submissive. It's a big difference. I have this thing about being a doormat - I don't like to be one. So this is something that's much more easily said than done. My goal is to strike that balance, where I am still a whole and valid human being, but I am able to graciously submit to God, to others, and to myself.

On to deference: "in consideration of". This one comes more easily to me. I have unfortunately become less adept in being considerate of others, but this is a goal I can quantify and work toward in a more tangible way than submission. Refraining from speaking unkindly about others, acknowledging my mistakes, apologizing quickly and willfully when I need to, helping others when they ask for it, giving my full attention and energy to those I'm interacting with, and speaking and acting with grace and mercy. (There's a reason I have those two words permanently inked on my body.)

So combining these two things and throwing in the glue that holds them together - love (gag, I know, so cliche) - brings us to the elusive jewel: humility. Offering in a spirit of deference or submission. Reflecting, expressing, offering. In a way that is not costly or luxurious - also known as? Simply. 

Reflecting, expressing, offering in a spirit of deference or submission, in a simple way. 

So for the next few days, my goal is remembering humility. Remembering gracious submission and deference, without guise or display, without calling attention to it. Taking deep breaths and apologizing when I forget it. My goal is remembering it until it becomes a natural part of my self.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. 

-James 4:10 (NIV)

For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. 

-Matthew 23:12 (NIV)

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free... serve one another humbly in love. 

-Galatians 5:13 (NIV)

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to  your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus...

-Philippians 2:3-5 (NIV)

Truth without humility would be an arrogant caricature... A man who wants to love the whole world including one who calls himself his enemy, knows how impossible it is to do so in his own strength. He must be as mere dust before he can understand the elements of ahimsa [nonviolence]. He is nothing if he does not daily grow in humility as he grows in love.

-Mahatma Gandhi

Whenever I interact with someone, 
May I view myself as the lowest amongst all, 
And, from the very depths of my heart, 
Respectfully hold others as superior.

-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, Training the Mind, Verse 2